Leave Emotion Out

Celebrate My Success!
February 15, 2014
Verify The Facts
February 20, 2014

Leave Emotions Out!Have you ever been in a discussion with someone or doing a deal where they said something that really made you angry or upset?  How about someone just flat out attacking you, calling you names, yelling at you?  I am sure that has happened to every one of us at some point in our lives.  How did you react?  Did you fire back at the same level of intensity that they hit you with or did you answer in a calm collected manner?

Miriam Webster online dictionary describes emotion as a strong feeling (such as love, anger, joy, hate, or fear), a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body.

Emotions can have a huge impact on the body.  If you stuff your emotions, it will affect something in your body somewhere.  More and more research is showing the affect of our emotions on our health. .  I’m not advocating stuffing your emotions.  However, I am advocating leaving strong emotional responses out of your business and personal dealings. It will keep the situation under control and on a more professional and respectable level.

Often times before I prepare for a discussion that I know might get emotional, I review that in advance and make a decision on how I will respond.  Of course that doesn’t always work but it’s always my plan! In the past I was one to react with a lot of emotion.  I used to have email wars with my ex-husband to the point of feeling and emotional hangover by the exchange.  It would drain me.  I have done a lot of work to not have those responses any longer.

During my Air Force career I was yelled at, threatened and belittled by many different contractors or customers who went on a rant about something they were upset about.  Those of us in the Contracting Office got blamed for most things that went wrong with contracts.  Often times I would simply tell them they could call back when they weren’t yelling and I’d hang up the phone.  One contractor who I called out on his past behavior of overcharging the Government threatened me with court and he was going to bring his lawyers to the base.  I hung up on him and never did business with him again.  He was in the wrong, I had the documented proof that he was overcharging the Government.  He didn’t scare me with those threats but it’s hard not to react in the face of someone screaming at you whether it’s in person or on the phone.

My son had a birthday party when he was a teenager.  He had a lot of kids over and they were shooting water balloons in the parking lot at the school around the corner from my house.  One of the balloons hit a passing car unbeknownst to me. It didn’t do any damage but the driver was not happy. The neighbor saw this happen and got very angry.  He came to my house banging on the door and screamed at me for 15 minutes.  I remained calm and kept repeating the phrase “I’m sorry, I understand, I’ll take care of it.”  The more he couldn’t get me to engage with him, the angrier he got. He was red in the face and shaking he was so angry.  When he couldn’t get a rise out of me he finally stormed off.  When I walked over to get the kids back to the house, I had to pass by his yard.  He and his wife both started yelling at me from their yard.  I just kept on walking and ignored them.  I felt great that I didn’t jump in and yell back at him at my door.  It basically diffused the situation.  He couldn’t get anything out of me to make a big scene and made himself look foolish for his over the top reaction.

Make a decision in advance to leave emotion out.  Sometimes it’s a real challenge.  When someone goes on the attack and says nasty things to you, it’s very hard not to get defensive whether it’s in business or personal.  The thing to remember is that it’s not about you, it’s something in them that you have no control over, but you can control your response.

Eldonna Lewis Fernandez
Eldonna Lewis Fernandez

Veteran negotiation and contracts expert Eldonna Lewis-Fernandez, author of “Think Like a Negotiator,” has over 30 years of experience crafting killer deals both stateside and internationally, many in excess of $100 million. She’s currently the CEO of Dynamic Vision International — a specialized consulting and training firm that helps individuals hone negotiation skills — as well as a nationally regarded keynote speaker, session leader and panelist on the Art of Negotiation. Eldonna may be reached online at www.EldonnaLewisFernandez.com

4 Comments

  1. Right on! I do this with a specific know-it-all relative who thrives on making sure everyone is just as emotional about his passions as he is. If I disagree, I don’t react or show much of anything except respectful attention, though to him, it’s seen as condescending. Funny that! Needless to say our conversations have been getting shorter.

    Love your stories Eldonna!

    Cheers,
    Heather the Brilliance Navigator

  2. sandy cooper says:

    as an ex transit bus driver, when I would see trouble walking towards me,( and it usually waited till the back of the line entering, in order to hold me hostage without anyone distracting my attention behind them) so , without choice, I would,

    1-To kindly listen, ( but be ready to duck – defend- and deal with unexpected physical threats ,) and continue to listen. which was what most of them wanted.
    Just to be heard. or- Hear themselves talk.
    .
    2- To be consistent with my answers and dialogue, and stay pleasant .

    3- All while trying to keep the bus rolling on time. and keep the other passengers safe. and gauge the folks reaction behind me, from the mirror while in motion.

    usually if you listened they drained their angst and emotion.
    But sometimes they got madder and red in the face -because they did not drag me down to their level,
    and if they didn’t stop in a prescribed allotment of time, and it became abuse and harassment .
    With no other choice -I hit the emergency button to turn on the cameras and voice recorder and alert transit control there was a threat.. I would stop safely, put the four ways on .. open the door ,
    stand, from my seat in the drivers space
    point out the others on board, and express in a authoritarian voice, my need to not let my passengers or me be abused. or harassed.
    and state LOUDLY– THIS BUS DOES NOT MOVE AN INCH FURTHER WITH YOU ON IT.. SO LEAVE BEFORE THE POILCE AND TRANSIT SECURITY ARRIVE.. they usually did not wait for the arrival.

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